Confession: I’m a Depressed, Special Needs Father
Hello again.
I wanted to take a few minutes and share some more private things that I think are important. The reason I want to continue sharing this is because I don’t think there is anything to be ashamed of and I want to help combat the stigma associated with depression.
So here goes nothing 
” /> Oh…and in case your interested in reading some of my past Confession posts look here.
I have been battling with depression for many years now…on and off. I was actually doing quite well and was off antidepressants for most of this year.
However, I began to struggle a few months ago. I became very….. preoccupied with my own mortality and what would happen to my kids if something happened to me. Preoccupied is really an understatement, I was obsessed with my own mortality. I couldn’t stop worrying about my children’s future. I began fixating on things like freckles and would convince myself it was something like skin cancer. I knew that it wasn’t, but I couldn’t help the feeling of impending doom. I literally felt like I was going to die.
I realize what triggered this. Back in Feb of this year, I had an experience that I think, quite literally broke me and set in motion my little downward spiral. You can read about that here.
I would go through periods of time where I was able to find my footing and begin to move forward again but then something would come along and yank the rug out from underneath me.
I found that as my life became more stressful, I began to decompensate at a faster rate. I found it harder and harder to find my footing anymore. I felt that in most cases I was able to suffer in silence, meaning that I could still function but I was tormented by these thoughts and fears. Truth be told, I wasn’t compensating nearly as well I thought I had been. I was overwhelmed and constantly looking for reassurance that I wasn’t dying. I guess I hadn’t really noticed this because I was to wrapped up in the struggle to realize I was driving Lizze crazy.
I was still managing to pull everything off that needed to be done but I was beginning to drag everyone else down. Eventually, I realized that I could no longer manage on my own. I sat down with Lizze and told her that I wanted to get back on medication. I felt that it had become necessary for me to bump myself up the priority list and get help. Lizze was very supportive as usual and I got in to see my doctor.
In some weird, irrational way, I thought I would be letting my family down by getting back on antidepressants. I felt that with Lizze being so heavily medicated all the time for all of her health issues that I needed to be unmedicated to make sure that I was able to care for everyone. Noble intentions? Yes. Misguided? Absolutely. So, I have been on Paxil for about 4 months now. Things are going better and I’m no longer tormented by cyclical thinking, meaning I have been able to move passed the obsession thinking and worrying.
As things are becoming more and more stressful, I thought it would be good to talk to my doctor again. We decided to bump up the dosage and see how that helps. I think it will have a positive impact, especially going into the holidays and with all the associated stress.I hate the idea of being on medications again, but I’m so glad I made the decision to do so. My family deserved a better me and hopefully, that’s what they now have. ” />
If you feel like you may be suffering from depression, please get help. There is nothing to be ashamed of.
For more information on depression please visit the Mayo Clinic website.
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I am 55 years old. I have been treated with every class of antidepressants, and clinical trials for depression for the past 25 years without much success. Depression has caused me the loss of my job, and kept me from staying gainfully employed, which in the end, after 23 years of marriage,caused my divorce . I had to leave my home where my daughter still resides. I felt like I lost my entire family. I am angry with myself and with the people who gave up on me, such as my ex-wife who also has depression.
As bad as it was, I managed to raise my daughter while my wife worked. Even though I had worked for 25 years, my wife always resented that I was a stay at home dad. Now, after 3 years divorced, I heard that my now 18 year old daughter tweeted about how happy for her mother’s recent engagement, and excited to plan her bachelorette party. Gaining knowledge of this news was a devastating blow to my depression. I feel at wits end, and disappointed that my daughter made it so public by tweeting on twitter. My depression has made this intolerable for me. I feel embarrassed and ashamed of how I feel about this. I feel that this world is not a nice place to live in. Don’t know what to do next.
@autismresearcher@xanga – Services- you hit the nail on the head. No one should have to face their problems all alone, especially when there are multiple issues including their health, & health and well-being of their kids & spouse. As I’ve said in my blog & vlog, I’m no expert and nothing I say is a sub for medical advice. That said, I’d like to offer what I primarily do: things that have helped me, an adult on the autism spectrum. 1st: MAAP Services (www.maapservices.org) there are many referrals on their site for people with ASDs of all ages. OASIS @ MAAP provides help through chatting, posting, and more. The MAAP newsletter is full of common-sense advice for those of all ages on the high-functioning end of the ASD spectrum. For depression, I would definitely go with a FDA approved medication. Watch out for the side effects and never be afraid to speak up to your doctor. Vitamin supplements like B complex are fine. I use a light box (broad spectrum light), because I do not get enough access to direct sunlight. I think this man should see if he qualifies for respite care and any other services if he has not already done so. MAAP addresses this issue a lot.
It takes courage to post something like this. I am now just getting accustomed to put my feelings out in writing. That’s why I came to xanga. To blog and talk about my depression. It helps. I am on Celexa as well. Whatever works. Sometimes the best you can offer of yourself requires some help.
I’m not sure if this is going to help or if it prompts an action,
but being depress for a long period of time at one location, that location will keep reminding you of the “depression”, sort of in a way what I learned in psychology as “conditioned”.
Perhaps try relocating to another area?
Good luck to you and your family 🙂
So sorry to hear that you are/were struggling so much… This is why I do the research that I do! I want to help parents so they can be in a mental place where they can be available to their spouses and children with special needs. Hope you continue to make strides in your battle with depression.
All parents have unique stresses as the result of raising children, but what is being done to help parents cope?
My name is Crystal Lee, and I am a doctoral student in clinical psychology at Baylor University. For my dissertation I am studying stress and ways of coping with stress in parents. My hope is to use the data from my dissertation to create an effective way to help parents cope with stress.
I am looking for parents of children ages 5-12 in three categories:
1. Parents of children with an Autism Spectrum Disorder
2. Parents of children with Type 1 Diabetes
3. Parents of children with no diagnoses
If you meet the above criteria, please take this survey, which takes 30-45 minutes to complete: https://baylor.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_0GJF7ldjuBwBWEk
If you do not meet the above criteria, please consider forwarding the survey to any parents you know that fit the above criteria.
People who complete the survey can participate in a drawing for one of three $50 giftcards to Amazon.com. Additionally, people who refer others to the survey get their name added into the drawing for each person they refer.
Thank you for your time and help,
Crystal Lee, M.S.
Doctoral Student
Department of Psychology and Neuroscience
Baylor University
I’m depressed every day of my life. I smoke a little chronic and that helps but what keeps me going is the fear of letting down others who I care about. You have to be strong and keep fighting always even when you feel broken and you’re ready to throw in the towel. keep going until you absolutely fall over dead
life is unpredictable but if you are smart, compassionate, reasonable and honest. God will take care of your family.
just keep being a good person and always keep going no matter what
And i’m sure you don’t care, but I’ll be on my xanga probably until they shut this site down SO that being said, you will always be able to find me over here @ interfacere if you want to talk to someone or just have someone to listen
Its really brave and candid of you to write that. I’m glad you are honest with yourself and with everyone. I’m here for you if you want to talk
Sorry to hear you were having a tough time. I’m the same way and so is my husband. Things will be going fine for awhile but before you know, one of us is not doing so well. I used to blame it on the virous stresses in my life But I’m realizing that is more to do with my own anxiety building up. Good luck, I hope things goes smoother for you.
I take Zoloft for my depression. Thank you for being courageous enough to come forward and share your story. :o)
I’m not sure what to say but I want to wish you good luck with life, your boys, and your battle.
I take Wellbutrin and Lamictal. For about 4 years, I’ve only had a few setbacks. It’s a great relief to my husband, who had to deal with “the housewife bitch from hell” (my words) for years!
Chemical depression is hard to deal with… I am glad you are open about your struggles. They effect your daily life and why shouldn’t you be open about it?
Good for you! I am happy to hear that you are doing much better and that your back on track again. Depression is a scary thing. It can come all at once or gradually, for no reason and it can eat away at you for nand make life just this living hell and no one seems to understand and your just wondering, “what happened to me?” I, too, for a while felt the same about seeking help for my depression. Until, one day, it got WAY out of hand, but, I still refused to seek help and it just continued to get WAY out of hand. I was a downward spiral and then I finally got myself back into my therapist’s office and asked her to refer me to a psychiatrist. I am so glad I did. I am now on Lexapro and Aderall and life could not be better for me.
my heart broke reading your story. Wishing you & your family the best =]
I would not go with natural supplements if this is a diagnosed problem. At the very least, check with your doctor first for what the effects would be in combination with FDA-approved medication. Don’t be ashamed of taking an medication…sometimes you do need to depend on a doctor, and if something natural is no better, something synthetic is surely no “worse.” People like to present it as unnatural, but really, if they were suffering similarly and found some relief from the medicine, I think they would change their minds.
Good for you. Getting on medicine can be so hard, for a variety of reasons…a lot of them associated with stigma. Thank you for writing about this.
i would suggest trying Vitamin D (take 1,000% dosage), i hear it’s a natural alternative to anti-depressants and works just as well. please give it a thought
hang in there
Thank you for being so strong and for being strong enough to say that you need help. You are an amazing person, father and husband. If you don’t mind, will be praying for you and yours? =)
Been there.Keeping you in my prayers.
I’ve been suffering from depression since I was really young (15+ years; I’m 21 going on 22)…finally broke the silence and made the decision to seek help yesterday. I knew I just couldn’t be the person I wanted to be if I was having the thoughts I was having, and if I really wasn’t caring about my life anymore. This was really timely and encouraging for me to know that I’m not alone. Thank you.