I am the mayor of Fail today.I left a note with Nathan’s school that he is to be picked up by me on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Now, this morning, I told him that he was going on the bus to his afterschool program. My after school program had an early release, so I figured, no problem. Right?
What’s the one thing that’s missing from that equation? A new note telling the teacher that he was to go on the bus.
Yep. I failed. Big. HUGE.
I got the call around 3:30 from the school wondering where I was. My stomach immediately drops to my toes and I start sweating like I was just informed I was about to be waterboarded. I can imagine my poor Nate’s brain thinking I have abandoned him like a travelling hobo. I trip over myself, apologizing profusely. I get Nate on the phone. He’s very upset and disappointed. He feels dejected, confused and sad. I tell him that Mom made a mistake and that I love him and that everything will be okay.He said he wanted to go home, I told him if he did I can come and get him but he decided he wanted to go to his program. The school managed to get him there (EEESH!), but I was thankful that they did. I called him at 5:30 and told him I was on my way.
I get to his program and I start conversing with both the Site and the Program director. The Site Director means well, she’s a LSW and she likes to speak in calm tones and does a lot of (what I feel is) unnecessary over explaining, which I understand why she does it but I feel like saying, “Hey, girlfriend, we speak the same language. I don’t need the Cliff Notes.” I just wanted to pick up Nathan.He was a little miffed I was late, but he was happy non the less.
We came home and I was feeling blue, more blue than I usually am, almost emo in an uncool I’m not 20 years old anymore way. It’s that particular time of the month, it’s almost a full moon, I think I have ghosts in my basement. No that’s not a typo. And things are very much up in the air in regards to my recent interview and potential promotion. I get that quiver in my voice when I’m about to cry. I explained to Nathan why I was sad, how I felt that I had let him down and that I didn’t mean to forget and I’m not a bad mother and I am nervous about what the future is.You know what that little punim said? That amazing empath?
That ubersmart kid?
“Mom, don’t fall down on yourself.”
That coupled with, “Let go, do your job and let the best things come to you.” (from my best friend, J.T.) was the most wonderful things I heard today.What I learned today was that I can visit Fail. But I don’t live there. I live another day having gleaned more self awareness and knowledge. And I didn’t eat my atomic weight in Trader Joe’s Spicy Black Bean Dip.