Well, I’m trying to work on my daily medical transcription stuff, but I dare you to try transcripting when you have the hiccups. I got so frustrated I was biting, so I decided to take a break and blog until the hiccups are gone, and I can hear the dictations.
Much like my hiccups are interrupting my studies, my anxiety is once again interrupting my life. As my therapist once said, “Anxiety and come out in some pretty weird ways,” and for me, it does. Of course I hit, bite, and scratch at myself a lot more often when I’m anxioius. I wear bicycling gloves to keep the backs of my hands covered, but then I just end up biting the gloves (I guess that’s better than biting my hands). I also get obsessed with death and dying… not in an “I want to die” way, just in a… I want to talk about it way. What would happened if I died? What are all the different ways I could die? Yes, it’s morbid, and Leigh pointed out that it’s socially unacceptable, but my mind won’t get off it. Pretty sure it’s just the anxiety obsessing over things.
I’m back to taking Klonopin daily to keep myself from melting down all the time. I wish I didn’t have to, but there’s no way I’d make it through work, especially, without it. Or today, I had so many things to do. I canceled my feeding therapy appointment because I knew I’d melt down at all the textures and conversation with the therapists. So first on the list was stopping at the pharmacy for pills. Then, I went to my research study and stayed fairly quiet there while we worked. After that I ran into the grocery store to cash a check, pick up Cat Fancy, and get some new nail polish because my manicure from the wedding is already a mess. Then I dropped my donation jars for the autism walk off at the restaurants. Lastly, I stopped to pick up two books in The Cat Who series. Finally, I’m home. I couldn’t have handled all of that without the meds to keep me calm. They don’t even make me tired, they just calm my body down to a tolerable level.
The million dollar question is whether anxiety and panic are inevitable at work for me, or if I could find a job such that I could be comfortable. I like to think that the right job is out there waiting for me. If only I could find it. In the meantime, it looks like I’m stuck fighting the melt down monster.
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