Am I energized because I feel more educated? Because we have an answer? Is it the company I keep, the foods I’ve been choosing to eat (and avoid). Is the vitamins I’m taking, the challenge I’m partaking? Does the air, though firey, have a slight hint of the change of season to come….
The thought of change on the horizon is overwhelming in my soul. We have understanding, knowledge, the answer, and direction we’ve sought for so long. This is our first year of full-time school for Alex, a lifestyle anew for Violet and Ben with more attention, more time to teach them, to play, to squeal with laughter; less of their life experience revolving solely on the whims of the mood swings and dangerous tantrum-rages of their brother’s special needs.
Is this change in energy born from the possibility that they will learn to love their brother as they do now, but with less fear for the inevitable unpredictability of his lashings? A possibility not to be weary of him, the possibility to have as close to a “normal” relationship to their big brother as ever will be possible in this family?
Or…is it all of this, all of this change bringing in the knowledge that I can allow hope to arise in my heart rather than push it down to the depths of my soul for another day.
For now, I’m as anxious as a child with a month-long wait for Disney World. What a wonderful place that would be!