Life Without Parole
Daniel and I were headed off to Cohasset for a tournament just a few weeks ago. We drove through an area I knew like the back of my hand. I had driven the road every weekday for 2.5 years. I sat in the passenger side staring out the window and Daniel asked ” brings back memories doesn’t it?” The moment he said it I suddenly couldn’t breath. I began crying. Dan got it and softly asked “It’s a reminder of the cell your in?”
yes
My life was so different then, not better mind you, just different. It was life before Sammy. I cannot say life before autism since my oldest has Aspergers. I just never worried about Tyler the way I worry about Sammy. I always felt Tyler would be just fine. I was right, he is doing so well.
My life then was only 2 children. I was in and out of court with my ex-husband, dealing with craziness of people on that side and trying to repair my life. I was sleeping on a couch in the house of a friend, while her boyfriend moved in and payed nothing. My children were cramped in a tiny bedroom with 2 other kids. I had no money. I had nothing really. I moved to an attic apartment in my Aunt’s house and my boys loved it there. My children and my boyfriend(now my husband) couldn’t be in the same room thanks to a weird court order. My boyfriend and I would sit together in the driveway after the children went to sleep every day. I was lost and without direction. I was discovering who my true friends were and who was just along for the ride. I was unstable, unmovable and far too stoic most days. I felt like I constantly had to watch over my shoulder. That was the cell I was in those days. That was my prison, but at least I knew I had a release date. Even if I didn’t know when, I knew it wouldn’t last forever.
Now, it’s a different cell, with a different warden. I have no release date. I have a peace now though. I feel like I am where I should be. How far my life has come. It’s like the pendulum swung to far the other way. My family is a a blessing and I love them all. This life now is better, but it’s harder. There is more pressure to preform, more pressure to get it right. Everyone in the world knows how hard divorce and custody can be. The same can’t be said for autism. I feel more isolated. I feel more as though every day I am under attack. Which isn’t so different from where I was then but now it’s a 7 year old child and not a crazy ex. I wake up every day uncertain of how much opposition I will meet. I can’t breath, it’s like going into battle. I guess I have always been inside a cell, I just switched wardens. Luckily I really love this warden!
I guess the difference is now, I have life without parole?
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I really need you to explain why you have chosen your situation as the “cell” and your son as “the warden” as analogies here; it’s not a stretch to feel you do not want t be where you are. Reading your posts, I get an overwhelming sense of doom, like you’re going through the motions just because he is your son.
I do not know you specific situation (I will be reading more of your posts soon). I thought it was corny when someone told me, but it is true: You are not alone. You need to start trusting those around you, taking in their advice and moving forward.