I’m good at telling you what I know.
I know a fact. I know the ID number on the library card that expired in 2011. I know that there should not–no way, no how–be an apostrophe on that sign.
But do you know who I am?
Do you know I’m not totally self-centered? My last thought was that I’m thankful my mom got to get away. I’m so proud of myself and my family (all of whom are typical and very capable but have dealt with some very hard things in a very short time) for how we did for those few weeks. I can feel a bit of what must be her relief at seeing me make it through with no panicked phone calls and no real need for her to save the day. But I miss her. I miss her smell the most. I feel the weight my mom must carry from missing her own mom’s scent every day for more than four years now.
Do you know that in my mind, the world is a playground? My thought just before the mama blues (not deep, dark blues but something like blue-sky blues) was an infinitesimally brief wish that trash could Apparate (Harry Potter) to the dumpster, but I quickly realized that would first mean I’d have to be able to Apparate, and… yeah. Real world and all.
Do you know that I’m not always uncomfortable being silly? When I got back from the manual labor of taking the trash to the dumpster, I was texting with my nurse about what time she’ll be here tomorrow and what medical adventures my past few days have brought. She’s coming early–I reminded her that Lucy will be all over her. Then, I said, “Is it me you love or just my sterile field!” As soon as the sterile field is laid out (to change my dressing on my central line), Lucy has to be pet. A few weeks ago, when I was in the kitchen as the nurse set up the field, I heard, “No! No! Lucy, I can’t pet you. Oh my gosh. Fine. I’ll pet you with my nose.” And she did. Keeping sterile things sterile and a happy cat are like priorities #1 and #2 around here.
I spent a lot of time last week wondering how many common binaries are common in all societies… is light always good, is dark always evil? Is happy always hi and sad always low? If not, what made us make those connections and what made them prevail all this time? And if so… why? Really, why?
Why do we assume something to be the only way, and why is it good enough to say it’s so because That’s The Way It Is.
Because you know what else has slid through society’s collective consciousness for eons? That thinking and speaking are one and the same. That what a person thinks, feels, and believes will come through what she says. That her words are a good way to judge her understanding, ability, and connections.
We sure screwed up with that one.