Last night, our home coach was pretty silent as Big Brother raged away. Later I asked her why. In response she told me she couldn’t think of anything she would have done differently — that I handled it very well.
This is not the first time I’ve been told this. It seems I’m doing all the right stuff.
This is great. I should be bragging. I should be happy, right? Then why do I feel so gawd-awful?
Instead depression set in big time. Some hard questions just kept playing over and over in my mind.
If I’m doing so well, why isn’t he getting better?
Why are things still so crazy?
And the big one: Will they ever get better?
I realize now that part of me wanted our new staff to come in and show me just how I’ve been doing things the wrong way. Things that I did that set my son off. Ways that I wasn’t handling the meltdowns correctly. Then change would be so easy. All I’d have to do is work a little harder or better and our lives would be mended.
But that’s not the way it goes. At least not in this story. That would be entirely too easy. Instead, there are so many things that are out of my control, but still manage to control me.
I am left to ask myself the following: If I’m not doing anything wrong, what do we do? Just the thought of this being “just the way it is” is almost too much to bear. I cannot accept it as an option.
Luckily I’ve been told that there are still other things that can be tried. There’s still work to be done with my son. Therapies to be employed. And homework for the rest of the family too.
So I guess not all hope is lost. As I type I realize its just my impatience, my desire for a quick fix getting in the way. So I guess as I look back on the week, I am thankful for the team working with us. They have the ability to do what I can’t — to look down the road (its a pretty long one) and see the big picture and develop a plan. But the biggest thing I am grateful for is that they are in it for the long haul. Unlike other professionals who have basically passed us on to the next, they will see us through.
And with this knowledge, I will wake up tomorrow, shake off this bump in the road and go back to work.