All I want for Christmas Momma, is a Friend
This post is hard for me to write, but I am because I can’t get this off my mind. Like many children with ASD, Liam struggles with socialization. On the rare opportunities that a neighbor kid does come over, Liam either ends up having a meltdown, smothering them, or bossing them around too much. He has “friends,” but not ONE that comes every day or so to play with him. I think he just over whelms them. I understand, however, my sweet, well meaning son does NOT.
At his last eval he even told Dr. Dan he “wants more friends.” So it’s obviously on his mind. We work with him. When a kid is here, we try to make sure he takes turns, isn’t too bossy, isn’t in their space too much, and so on. I don’t think it’s working.
Now, pair him with his friend “J” that has Aspergers, and they go together like birds of a feather. It’s great. I wish she lived next door though so they could play together every day….
So the other night we were talking about going to see Santa on Saturday, and I asked Liam what he was going to ask Santa for.You see, for months, Liam has asked for EVERY toy under the sun. He has made list, after list, after list. He has pegged out his Amazon wish list TWICE!!! (those of you not familiar with the list and how much you can put on it…that’s over 5 THOUSAND toys!!!) He has asked for EVERYTHING…..
…. but this time however, his reply stunned me. Shattered my heart, and made me have to hide some tears from him….. .
“All I want for Christmas Momma, is a friend.” Yep. That’s what he said. My heart sunk into my stomach. We may not have a lot of money, and we try our best to grant his wishes every Christmas. But how in the world do I grant this one? I can’t MAKE someone be his friend….
I always try to view my son’s Autism in a positive light. I know he has mild Autism, but that doesn’t make some of his struggles any less. We are in the process of changing service providers for him, and the new provider is trying to get him 20 hours of TSS. I know this is something I can ask his new TSS to work on, but I don’t know when he will be here. Waiting on paperwork and red tape is frustrating. What’s more frustrating is seeing your child struggle and not being able to help. What’s even more frustrating than that is seeing your child struggle over something many of us take for granted. The companionship of a good friend.
Play to children is a necessity. It helps them grow, learn and flourish.
My child doesn’t have this opportunity, and as a parent it pisses me off!!!! Not being able to help your child is to me, one of the hardest parts of Autism. So I am left with not knowing what to do. I will of course try my best to help him relate to the neighbor kids. I will of course keep asking them to come play with him. In the end though, a friendship is out of my control……
So Santa, PLEASE help my child make a friend. PLEASE set his mind at ease about trying to fit in. PLEASE help him see that in order to have a friendship you must GIVE and take. PLEASE help him find just ONE kid, that can help my son grow and flourish and be happy……
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” Now, pair him with his friend “J” that has Aspergers, and they go together like birds of a feather. It’s great. I wish she lived next door though so they could play together every day….”
Sounds like J and your son are already friends! 😀
Also, not being able to play with a friend every day isn’t just a lack-of-social-skills thing. In some school districts it’s also a physical-distance thing no matter how good the children’s social skills are! For example:
Suppose you’re a child, living in a suburban neighborhood with only 5 other kids in your age group, attending an elementary school with 100 other kids in your age group, friends with 10 of them, and not friends with the other 90 of them. What are the odds that one of those 5 other kids in your neighborhood will be among the 10 friends of yours instead of the 90 non-friends of yours?
“But how in the world do I grant this one? I can’t MAKE someone be his friend….”
This is so very, very, very true.
Someone else with an older, adult son *did* try to make a co-worker of her son be her son’s friend. She and her son tried even after that co-worker stopped wanting to be her son’s friend, even after that co-worker had to get a restraining order. Read more at http://buildingcommonground.blogspot.com/2012/02/constructive-confrontation.html?showComment=1335817396784#c6929202163227373609 and http://carolinecrane.wordpress.com/ 🙁
@myausomeson – Thank you for your response. You don’t have to be sorry for what you haven’t seen yet. But just because you haven’t seen God heal someone from Autism 100% whole and 100% functioning, doesn’t mean it’s never been done. In fact many times many people have been healed of Autism through the power of Jesus Christ. If you do see someone completely healed and still choose not believe then you have to be sorry for that.
thank you all for your kind words <3
I shall soon be sixty and I have one close friend, he has been my friend for about forty years. There are also several people with whom I will converse, occasionally. Personally I find most of my needs for social interaction are met by the internet and the structured environment of my place of employment where I am mostly left to my own devices while still having a level of interaction with others. I find this is more than enough. I could live quite happily seeing no one but my wife.
@RaisingAspergersKids – I agree with this, my mom is a school counselor and works in these a lot and calls them “friendship groups”.
Hi! I can feel your heartache, for I had the same issue, however, I was able to find my Daughter, Stephanie assistance through sports. I learned that playing sports, helps our children with socialization, while learning good sportsmanship. Now, there were no such special teams, back, when I started, by, I found that what was not there, I made happen! Her first games, where through the local town parks and recreation department. Now, my daughter was mainstreamed, so for her playing well, had its ups and downs. But, I went into the office and had a personal talk with the recreation director, who was trying to find enough kids to make two teams for each of the sports, like, basketball, touch football, bowling, archery, swimming, running, teeball, but, back then there were few children on the spectrum, who were of the same age and high functioning enough to play with others… So, we went to the schools, and asked! Well, we had enough for four teams, including those moderate to severe, and wheelchair bound! We enlisted parents to coach, teach, and have fun! they did not coach their own children, so they got a break from their daily parenting, but, assisted other parents in teaching that one skill, without the hidden parental frustration, that each of us have unwillingly experienced… Autism can do that some times… Well, the kids had very simple rules, like dribbling, no foul lines, they could carry if they needed, they had to pass at least 2 to 3 times to another player, and they had to be good sports, or timeouts were given, ie a walk around the lobby area. We had quiet rooms, set up for their meltdowns, since most exploded in front of audiences, with a parental watch, in a close room nearby. Parents had to be present, since some children had other medical needs, and they had to volunteer a specific amount of hours, until the season ended. All of the children got trophies, and they got team t-shirts, and progress reports were made at each practice, as to the skill we were working on. This helped my daughter, learn sharing, good sportsmanship, and caring. Today, this recreation department includes more special needs children, then in my day, because we asked! They have installed special needs park equipment in those areas where our children need it. because some parents actually raised money for it, while the town, meet the compliance requirements. Another place you can use is the local colleges with psychology, childcare and Autism groups, they are good in providing students who hope to work with our children. I got a Psychology student to make up a “social skills play group to meet at her school for one hour of playing games, like Chutes and ladders, Say please, please, silly games to enhance her social skill. I gave up wanting the eye to eye contact, so they taught me that she could learn to look at my eyebrows, my hair, my forehead, anywhere, except her feet or away from my face. Now, at 25 she looks at my face, just took a little training, but we got there! Next, I went to the Special Olympics, most people do not realize our children qualify, too! She has learned archery from ACTUAL Olympians, including Appollo ohno, when he was considering trying this sport for his next medal, he was really good! She has learned to swim from former medalists, who have the most kindest spirits! I also, tried the Boys and Girls Club, because their motto is, no child is denied.” and they excepted her with open arms! She learned friendship, more basketball, and deep seafishing, and how to do computers, which she now excells in! Excuse my typing, but, I just wanted to let you know there are many off the road places to seek soialization, it just might take some doing an your part! But, I can see from your son’s photos, he has a smile to invite the world to “come see who, I am!” that is a good thing!
@fragility_beautiful@xanga – he believes in Santa and Jesus, and I am sorry, I don’t believe Autism can be cured. Once you have Autism, you always will. Granted you may learn to over come your struggles, so it may seem like you don’t “have” it anymore, but it’s been proven that it doesn’t just go away… Thank you for your reply 🙂
@Connie – thank you! will try it! I make all his social stories, so i will have to do that. Funny how sometimes u never think of the obvious! 🙂
@RaisingAspergersKids – thank you! I will look into it! 🙂
Santa doesn’t exist but Jesus does. This is something God can heal. I knew a lady whose son had autism, the key word here is HAD! He doesn’t have autism anymore. The word of God is like medicine for the body. Jesus is also a friend that sticks closer than a brother! If you want these things for your son, trust me it’s not hopeless. When you take medicine sometimes you have to take it 3 times a day everyday to combat a sickness. The Word of God is the same. If you believe in Jesus, the keep speaking His Words of healing and health over you son, because it’s life and healing. Jesus is who you can hope in. This is not a hopeless battle.
I hope this video and this ladies testimony about her son, blesses you and gives you hope!
http://www.sidroth.org/site/News2?page=NewsArticle&id=8479&news_iv_ctrl=0&abbr=tv_
My heart goes out to the many parents who struggle to see their child make friends and keep them but sometimes there is a solution within their power. As a parent coach I tell parents they do not have to wait for the experts to teach their child social skills for there is so much they can do themselves. Children on the spectrum respond well to repetition and using your every day experience as a learning lab to talk about, refer to, and teach a child throughout the day with every social interaction you have with them will enhance their social skills immensely. Writing social stories on How to make friends, How to keep friends, What to do when you meet a friend, What does a friend look like and sound like, etc. . . is also a great way to help a child acquire or enhance their social skills. Start with these two simple suggestions, be consistent for a few months and watch what happens.
One of the things that helped my sons was Circle of Friends. It is a group put together by a special ed teacher or school psychologist that acts as a support platform and “friends” for your son. You can learn more about the program here
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Circle_of_friends
This breaks my heart. I have a ASD and I know how it feels. Now that I’m older and learned some more social skills, I can see how it pains my mom, even though I’m in college now.