Someone asked me the other day – if since I am so far along “This” road…if I can see the light. Since shes just starting out, I didn’t want to discourage her and tell her how things sometimes are. Instead I summed it up the best I could without saying what I really wanted to. I told her that: Most days, yes. I see the light at the end of the dark tunnel. And on the days that I cant see it, I know its there.
What I didn’t want to say is that sometimes, on the days that I cant see the light, knowing its there, and not being able to see it…is sometimes harder than not knowing its there. Because its there, you know its there, you’ve seen it, so where the hell is it and why cant I see it?
Sometimes – it just plain sucks. It doesn’t matter how much time has passed by. It doesn’t matter what the day is. It doesn’t even need a reason. Sometimes…it just sucks. And that’s ok. Ive come to realize.
No one ever told me that. Never told me that it was ok to be sad. To have bad days. To miss. To just yell and say THIS SUCKS! Never. I wondered sometimes if it was ok. When all I was being told was “Sure that’s normal but…” I know. Its all important, and really, I guess if you arent pushed hard in the beginning, you don’t know what to do really. It just seemed like there was a magic line that once you passed – that was it. Your out. Get over yourself. Been long enough. Smile dammit. Atleast LOOK like your ok! That’s better.
But the blunt and honest truth is – no matter how many happy faces you want to pull out of your ass, it just isn’t happening. Inside – your sad. Your depressed. Your broken. Your silently wishing the days away and when night comes its all you can do to lay in bed and cry. Because there is simply nothing left to do. But don’t you dare tell anyone this. Especially if you have crossed the magic line.
Its something I don’t think I have ever talked about. Grieving. Because honestly, who wants to read that? Who wants to hear about it? Tell me about the good days you have now! They all say. Wanting that hope, that shining glimmer at the end of the long dark tunnel – and you know what? I do have good days. I have good weeks. I have good months. I go long stretches of time where things are ok, and there isn’t a cloud in the sky. But I also have times where suddenly out of nowhere I am beat to the ground, and I just want to lay there and feel sorry for myself. Because why cant I have _____.
And know what? I think that’s ok. Because I always get back up. I move on. I become ok again, and continue on knowing that I will always have a bad day or two, and that’s ok.
In the beginning it seemed that people were in a hurry to get you “Thinking positive” and while that is important (so very important) I think its also important to realize that life isn’t going to just “snap back” to where it was. Infact, as scary as it sounds – it will NEVER be that way again. There will always be a part of you that just wishes to look at a picture and make it come to life, and when you realize you cant – you want to get angry. Some things never change.
While its important to think positive, write a list of ten good things and balance the negative in your life – its also important to realize that its all ok. As long as you arent hurting yourself or others in the process, then its ok. You may feel like you are going completely CRAZY and you know what? You probably are. You are going crazy with thoughts. With feelings. You are ok one minute and not the next. So just let it go. If you want to get mad, then get mad. If you want to be happy – then by all means be happy. If you want to cry then cry and scream and yell and let it all out.
That old saying “Better out than in” has never been more true. Because as much as letting things out may scare you (or your dog) its better in the long run. You probably will feel like crap when you are done, but after a period of time you will be back on your feet continuing on the road that seems to stretch on forever.
Don’t give up. Don’t worry about where you are, or what you should be feeling/doing. If you feel like doing it then do it. Sometimes you might need a harder push than other times. Sometimes you might be able to do it without a second thought. But don’t hold yourself to this imaginary time line that doesn’t exist. Everyone is different, don’t try to push your ideas over on others and don’t let them push theirs over on you. You will make it. It will take time. It will suck. And that is ok. It just is.