Being Thankful

I don’t even know where to begin.  I have come to a conclusion that I was just not supposed to survive and I am far too stubborn to die.   With each new thing I survive I am in awe in fragility of my life as well as the strength I have gain from that fragile state.  I remember as as child I thought I would never make it past 10, and then I thought I’d be lucky if I saw 20.  Honest to God, I never in dreamed I would see my 30s.  I’ve impressed myself. I’ve survived open heart surgery, 7 pacemakers, factor 5, 3 pulmonary embolisms, CHF, hoshimotos, not making it through birthing my son,getting hit by a lighting while driving,  tornados almost blowing me off a bridge and i am sure i have more crazy stories, but those are the ones that come to mine at the moment.  And think to myself…. Holy Crap. I’m still alive.    It doesn’t make me sad, in fact it makes me embrace this  crazy life of mine, I have such desire to live. I want to dance more, laugh louder,  fighter harder, love more.

Then I have lost a lot. I’ve lost numerous family friends of the years.  To the friends who passed. Thank you for gracing me with your presence. You are missed every day. It was a honor knowing everyone you. But nothing has been so hard as the loss of my brother and my father.  That void is endless.  I am so thankful that I had them in my life. Peter was a breath of fresh air. The one of thing I remember most about my brother was his infectious smile. So if anything.  I thank you  to you, Peter for teaching me to have the courage to smile in spite of some of my darkest hours and the courage to be myself.  I’m thankful to have John Wayne for a father. Well I say that jokingly. But Sarge was cool, smooth, a straight shooter, but ever so intelligent. I think dad knew things were going to be tough for me.  While I never got what he was saying when I was a kid. I appreciated his bluntness. I find myself looking back on his advice and thinking. “Well I’ll be damned.” I needed that kick in the ass and I needed not only his strength but how to have personal strength.  While my father wasn’t the most affectionate man, I knew by the look in his eye how proud he was of us.  My mother… Is the definition of  unconditional love. While I know we butt heads. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that my mother loved us all.

I’m Thankful for my brothers, sisters, neices, and newphews.  I can’t even imagine a world with out them. I mean how does anyone exist without a “Masiak” in their life? When I was younger I had a hard time feeling close with my siblings. It’s  not that I didn’t love them or they didn’t love me. I think the years being in and out of the hospital, loosing Peter, and  most of them moving out by the time I 10 . It was confusing on my little head. In my adult years there isn’t a shodow of doubt in my mind of the amount of love we have for one another.  And that no matter what we go through as a family it doesn’t shake us, it only makes our clan stronger and prouder then before. I am so very thankful we are not an obnoxiously stuffy family. That anyone in welcome in our homes that we know no strangers. Mi Casa Su Casa seems to be the family motto.

I am Thankful for my husband. He  is not intimidated by this freerecely indepdentant  woman that I am. I mean I get that I am overwhelming. And I get that I am a lot to take in at once. I mean people complain that I am too much. My feelings aren’t hurt… I know the world isn’t in love with me like I am in with it. He understands my complexicies that I am both a lioness & kitten and he can handle all of this.  Or as he puts it, “Depending on the day, I’m a Bear in a Bunny suit, and somedays I’m a Bunny in a Bear suit” I am  thankful for my children. They are the beating of my heart. There are no words for the amont of devotion and love that I have for my children.   I hope that one day I will be ever so lucky to see them have children and they too will understand depth of my love for them.

I am Thankful to have been raised poor & in Guinea. I grew up wild and free.  There is something about the Guineamen that is no other place I’ve lived.  It’s not just because they are watermen or their dialect. But they are a people who have their own ideas of what is right or wrong and to hell with society if society doesn’t like it. Rebellious isn’t even a good word to describe them. If you knew the Guineamen, you’d understand what I was talking about. I’m so proud to have grown up on the marshes of Browns Bay.  Why on earth would I be thankful to be poor? Because I know what real cold feels like.  I know what having no A/C feels like. And I know I can survive without modern civilization provided I get my pacemakers. And I know exactly what hard work is.

I am thank for my friends. You know who you are.  Family doesn’t need to blood for me to love you less. The friends I’ve made in my life, I’ve learned so much from.  To the friends who’ve saved me from myself, my temper, my stupidity, and to the ones whom I’ve lost touch with over the years. Thank you for all the wonderful support you have give myself and my children, it trully means the world to me. If I leave this world tomorrow, my one goal would be not just to let people know, but to make them understand that I loved them and I especially loved their flaws.

Zoila

A mommy who has more ideas then the time to complete them, raising two boys with Aspergers,homeschooling, being frugal, trying to live green, gardening, painting, drinking an absurd amounts of coffee and trying to stay sane all while trying to enjoying the beautiful chaos that fills my bitter sweet life.