Not Giving Up

Today, thanks to the recent behavior involving Josh, and the school…his teacher and therapist both agreed that it would be beneficial for him to be seen by a behavioral therapist. My heart sunk pretty low at the mention of yet another therapist. So many people. So many avenues. So few options. So little tactics. I was hesitant. Worried. And scared. I will admit. I didn’t know what they would have to say, and I didn’t know if I was willing to hear what they would suggest. As much as I want help for him, I didn’t know if I could be of much more help. So yes. Hesitancy in the third degree.

We went in this morning, purely observational they told me. Then they had some one on one with him, and of course he charmed the socks off of everyone. He was obedient, he shared, he listened. He smiled, he laughed. He participated. He scored above and beyond. And just when I thought “Well THAT was a complete waste” they mentioned watching him through out the week, and then wanting to schedule a home observation, and eventually putting him in therapy for his behavior.

Because while he did everything he was supposed to, when he was supposed to, today. He isn’t always like that, and that is something we need changed.

I agree. I accept. I took everything they said, and I heard it all with a very open mind. Or so I thought. I have a hard time taking everything everyone says and believing it. On their word, and their word alone. And while I agreed, and signed up for everything under the sun and most likely signed the rest of my life away – My heart didn’t agree, and told me so later.

Because the second thoughts. And the guilt. Oh the guilt. The shame. The sadness. The worries. The wonder. And everything else that wasn’t supposed to be.

They will continue with their “Purely observational” observing for this week, and will meet again next week to tell us all the conclusion. Then we will move forward in whichever direction whoever it is that’s in charge of this, deems best. I do appreciate that they involved me, and asked my opinion, and seemed to listen to what I had to say. But afterwards I couldn’t help but think they simply did that to get my vote. If they validated my opinion, then they had sold whatever it was they wanted. And I couldn’t help but kick myself a little for “falling” for this.

Honestly, I think it’s a good thing. I know that Josh needs something else and I know that this can NOT keep happening. I know that we have pursued different options for a long time, and its not like this is simply a last minute choice or option. Its been discussed, thought of, and tossed around with a hundred other options as well.

His therapist has worked wonders with him, but he has reached a brick wall, and Josh still isn’t “There” yet. Sadly, the kid still has a long road ahead of him, and his needs arent being met. Its time to go back to the drawing board.

But something about it, tugs at my heart.

The wishing this were simpler. For his sake. The wanting better. For him. The wishing for more time. For all of them. The worry. That I made another wrong choice.

Sometimes this flying by the seat of your pants – just doesn’t work.

And you don’t know, until you have tried. Until you have don’t everything possible. And I wont give up. I wont stop now. I wont give in just because things are hard. No matter how much I want to. No matter how badly I want to toss in this towel and get a new one. It needs done, and it needs done for him.

“If you’re going through hell
Keep on going, don’t slow down
If you’re scared, don’t show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you’re there”

Dave

We are goofy, smart, funny and wild. We get mad, are happy, and sometimes sad. We reminisce, love, and live. We are who we are, broken pieces being put into a new puzzle. But arent we all? Just pieces. Trying to fit in.