It’s Only Fear

So I tried puzzling out what bothered me so much about the Parenthood episode. About 3 am I woke up with an AH-HA moment. It was the moment when Kristina had the ultrasound. When she agonized over knowing the sex of the baby simply because having another boy meant a higher chance of autism. BINGO 

The baby.

I have 4 boys. One girl just ONE girl so far. I worry each time I have a child that I will have another child like Sammy. Having a child like Tyler doesn’t frighten me, I  can do that. Sammy makes me feel ill-equipped and crazy.. it makes me feel like I am in a free fall and there isn’t a damn thing I can do to fix it. I hate fighting it every day. I fall into bed each night so tired I can’t breath. I feel like I am never off duty, like I am never safe. Like a soldier going into battle day after day. I can’t handle giving birth to another Sammy. Felling again like I was somehow at fault, somehow blamed. I cant go through that again. I can’t beat myself up over another child being autistic. Those words “your son has autism” still echo all these years later. It makes me second guess what people think, what I think and what I do. I question it all , every day, every…single…second. Different studies with different faults. I know he changed after getting a HiB shot. I have re read it in his baby book over an over, but he was born “different” so what caused that?

More so on days like this when it’s been a horrific week. It’s been so bad here some days that the fear I have for my son gets so heavy I cannot breath. I cannot think. I feel like I am drowning in it. As though my lungs cannot move , paralyzed by fear and focus. It’s been that kind of week.
On top of it I worked this week and I was tired when I watched Parenthood.

My daughter is my fear. Like I could somehow handle it better if Nathaniel was diagnosed tomorrow? There was a fleeting moment when Grace was born, when I looked and saw it was a girl. A quick,fraction of a second that barely existed where that thought crossed my mind. It was almost an unconscious thought barely on the surface.That thought… She’s Safe.

 I agonize over everything with Grace as well as with Nathaniel. I am terrified she too will be autistic. Some things already don’t seem right. Am I just over analyzing it? I will love her no matter what. The same way I love Sammy fiercely, without reservation. But Lord please not my daughter. I know that sounds horrible to say. Typing is actually placing me on the verge of tears. I want to cry. It isn’t that somehow my daughter is better or worth more to me than my sons. It’s simply that she should be safe. I know too many moms and dads of autistic girls now to believe that. It may be less prevalent but it isn’t any less real. She isn’t immune to it. Apparently , neither am I.



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Annemarie Chagnon on FacebookAnnemarie Chagnon on Twitter
Annemarie Chagnon
We are currently a family of 7 (yes 7 really) My husband and I have 5 children on earth and one precious baby in heaven. We are Catholic and we are Quiverful. We live in a small town in Southern Massachusetts. We try to live as simply as possible. We are a family of special needs people and we work every day to make this house work
Annemarie Chagnon

Annemarie Chagnon

We are currently a family of 7 (yes 7 really) My husband and I have 5 children on earth and one precious baby in heaven. We are Catholic and we are Quiverful. We live in a small town in Southern Massachusetts. We try to live as simply as possible. We are a family of special needs people and we work every day to make this house work

0 thoughts on “It’s Only Fear

  • April 26, 2012 at 1:19 am
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    You definitely have to avoid the fear here. I think this is definitely the worst that you can do. You have to be able to stay strong for your kids. I think this is so important to happen. 

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  • February 23, 2012 at 3:36 pm
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    I have a 2 1/2 son that was diagnosed with autism and I have been just devastated. It seems like he is off in his own little world all the time. He has sensory issues which makes it difficult for him to eat and I know he has to be hungry. Any thoughts? He is very attached to the bottle which has made it hard to wean him off.

    Reply
  • January 23, 2012 at 7:38 pm
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    When I first started wondering if something might be different with my daughter I used to dismiss autism because I felt that she was safe from it.  But I was wrong. 

    Reply

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