Sex and Dating for those with Asperger’s
I remember back when SerenaDante was trying to write to every -ish site about sex, whether it had to so with boobs on Mancouch or edible underwear on ireallylikefood, the one thing she couldn’t really tackle was the correlation of sex and Autism or Asperger’s syndrome. Not that she needed to.
I have Asperger’s, and I am also one of the very few (part-time) sex bloggers on Xanga. In the past, I had heard that some of them may not be as concerned with sex as the NTs. But I assumed that some of them were indeed sexual. I remember SerenaDante was wondering all about sex and Asperger’s. Sex is as physical as it is social, so, I thought I’d go on and investigate on the differences between NTs and Aspies on the idea of sex.
I was aware that one of the differences between Asperger’s people, in terms of physical contact, is that some are either touchy feely to the point in not recognizing personal space (so, one would say) or some don’t really like to be touched. So, I knew there was going to be an all-or-nothing difference. I read all different blogs about this. Life with Aspergers, a blogger site, explained that the main differences were that “on the one hand, there are the shy, prudish aspies who consider it a big deal to unbutton the top button on their shirt, or to wear shorts. At the other end of the scale, there are aspies who think nothing of nudity and aren’t concerned who sees them.” (“Teenage Sexuality and Aspergers”, Life with Aspergers, 2009)
If the attitude against people seeing themselves naked wasn’t enough of a clue, Squidoo discuss the visions. “Boys can become obsessed with Internet pornography and masturbation. They can be overly forward with a girl who is merely being kind, and then later face charges of stalking her. An Aspie teen may have a fully developed female body and no understanding of flirtation and non-verbal sexual cues, making her susceptible to harassment and even date rape,” said one blog on Squidoo.
This whole article suggests that when young Aspergians do engage in anything sexual, it is mostly a selfish affair. “Many times, the sexual interests of Asperger’s teenagers are one-sided and not reciprocal. They misunderstand the situation and act too intense and very inappropriately.”
“It’s not at all uncommon for aspies to develop sex obsessions, even without a partner. Most of these obsessions are perfectly safe behind closed doors but if they are even discussed openly, there could be social problems. Aspies have a tendency to say just a bit too much,” said another Life With Asperger’s article.
I personally don’t know if every one of them applies to me, but I’ll share my point of view. I am the person who admits to loving either sex or talking about it every now and then. I thought this was simply because of my zodiac, but it turns out that heightened senses for those with Asperger’s could also be based upon the sensation of it. My way of trying to avoid saying too much about it is by keeping a spare blog, where I eventually write about anything, including sex, in poetry form or facts from it. It’s not just a blog about sex or sexuality, but it is also one of my major outlets in trying to express the sexuality I can’t express out loud.
Yes, I am interested in relationships, but I admit to being slightly inept, when it comes to getting relationships. I love kissing, I love hugging, I like touching every now and then. As far as communication is concerned, I never know what to say, or what to expect. I can’t even give a steady conversation without wanting to simply kiss someone.
In real life, I approach getting laid or getting dates pretty conservatively. I ask people out like you are supposed to. Calm, collected, and sure of what you want (which is always to go out with a person). I am no stranger to the irritation that comes with never getting a relationship based on effort. I was raised to be more considerate amongst a woman…which hardly ever works out. The result in me asking someone real out is that, at the end of the day, it goes nowhere. I wind up on my own faster than you can imagine. Nowadays, I just approach love this way: let someone ask me out. Supposedly, for those with Asperger’s, it’s much easier to let them ask us out. This way, it feels like someone is really interested in (or just being nice to) us.
The being said, I guess the problem with Asperger’s has a lot to do with 1) whether you are in touch with your sexuality, 2) trying to find the right thing to say or right way to approach it, and 3) trying your hardest to approach you want, without saying too much.
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im currently dating an aspergers teen, and i have yet to understand things. when it comes to sex, he claims that hes not addicted to sex. i found out that he watched porn and i was really upset tht he did, and he just dismissed me at first and told me that its normal. neverthelesss eventually he said he would stop looking at porn and i dont know weather to believe him or not….also when on dates we would kiss alot, and when i didnt offer or take more then kisses he would get mad. thats stopped recently..idk weather to trust him or not. because theres this girl thts his ex that he grew up with, and he touched her. but only lifted her up…idk. help. wht should i do?
@Adam82 – I like a guy who appears to be Aspy (have worked and had a lot of friends with various ASD’s). We get on great, and ppl have commented how much more confident he is, looking ppl in the eye more and so on. I don’t know for sure, but don’t think he’s had much success with the girls, and I know a couple have rejected his date requests. He knows how I feel, but I am a bit older than he is. We flirt etc, and I know there is an attraction, but i’m guessing that he’d prefer a girl younger than he is. He seems flattered that I like him and I’m happy to show it, and he has begun to take the initiative in hugging and affection. But how do I know if he is accepting my advances just because it’s better than nothing, or if he is actually feeling the same way? Sometimes he can express his feelings beautifully, and romantically, but other times I feel he is just tolerating me. Any advice?
@Adam82 – I have a boyfriend who is 33 years old and an Aspie. He has mentioned to me before that he is a virgin. That revelation did not change my opinion about him. His degree of Aspergers is only a very mild form. I’ve also come to discover that he has not had much luck with the ladies prior to me, hardly had any GFs, never been intimate with a girl ( he tried but was scared to continue) etc. I took a chance on him and I could not be more happier. I find him less complicated than a male NT! As for myself I a a female NT. Remain positive and something will come along at its given time and place.
“That man who stalked you, I am not saying stalking is right but think of all the torment he was going through because of AS.”
That doesn’t mean she owed him any dates, kisses, sex, etc. The same way you don’t owe anyone dates, kisses, sex, etc. when you feel sexually unattracted to that person, no matter how much torment that person is going through and no matter how much that person feels sexually attracted to you. The same way a heterosexual man does not owe a homosexual man with AS dates, kisses, sex, etc. no matter how much torment the latter man goes through because of his AS.
“What have it been like if you had given him the benefit of the dought and gone out with him.”
If she had gone out with him then she would have been even more uncomfortable and felt even worse.
@robin45 – Man, your story really hit home for me. I’m not the same age as you, I’m 29, Aspie, and I’ve never had a GF before, ever. I’ve also had several unrequited crushes on girls, and when they end up with another guy, I’m devastated. I wish someone would just take a chance on a guy like us.
I just found out i have as and i didnt realize until that moment I have been sexually abused and taking advantage of to the point i am obessed with sex. I wish I would have known earlier or that my family would have known because now at 26 I have an unhealthy sexual view and it makes dating impossible. I can have sex with anyone unless i feel a connection with them. some men are good at pretendingto be connected to you to sleep with you then i realize it was a one night stand. i have not had many lovers but the ones i have had stay with me mentall.y i got married at 18 and divoreced at 26 now dating is soooo different for example I find myself obessing over a guy ( I know better than to stalk after being stalked myself) that I know has asp and is in a relationship ( which i know means he is currently invloved and not open to meeting someone else) Now i wonder if maybe i am only interested because he and i have a connection.He has been helping me deal with learning about asp and has been very sweet. We seem to share a brain in some ways so we talk for hour and hours about what to others may seem like random thing. he knows i am attracted to him and i think he is attracted to me ( he has told me but could have been being nice) but i have a unhealthy sexualview of him and have no clue what to do about it.
Ps I wish I could meet a girl like the one pictured above.
@no name – I have aspergers sydrome. At 19yrs old back in January 1985 when doing my A- levels a girl showed interest in me at the bus stop. When going through the college doors I open the door for her then she opened the door for me. I thought my luck had changed and we talked. A few days later after meeting her again at the bus stop a boy jumped out and took my place. In the canteen before lectures he was doing most of the talking and even touching her leg. By valentines day of that year they were kissing at the bus stop. I was absolutely devasted. During the day for 2 yrs if she looked at me and smiled or said hello it made my day. I was living in hope that she had finished with him. My luck changed and the names studs on her boyfriends jacket were removed. After an exam in May of 1986 I went to the pub with the other students to tag along for a drink . She was in their kissing another boy whom I heard was a jailbird. I was once again absolutely devasted and I told my parents. I never ever followed her but I was obsessed with her and it took me several years to get over it. I would’nt put the energy into following someone but would rather go to bed and shut the world out. Now after another incident with a pyschology student from the UEA when I was 33yrs old were I was rejected that has been the closest i’ve been to trying for a relationship. I am now 45yrs old and have never had a girlfriend or sex and am absolutely discusted with myself. I image that the aspie you mentioned might haved ended up like me with no hope off ever having a girlfriend. Women my age I find to old and mature and would like to meet someone in their late twenties or early thirties which I can’t change. This is in part because it will make me feel that I can make up for some of the lost years of not having a partner.That man who stalked you, I am not saying stalking is right but think of all the torment he was going through because of AS. What have it been like if you had given him the benefit of the dought and gone out with him. Aspies can make very loyal and loving partners. I am assuming he was someone you met a college and not an old age pensioner. You might have found out that he was the love of your life and you soulmate so you’ve missed out big time. I would like to point out to you that an asperger male is just as likely to become a stalker as a normal neurotypical male. I find that woman like to be kind with me but that is all and they don’t see me as a sexual person with feeling. It is very painful to an AS male to find out that she was only being kind because she see he is socially isolated and lonely knowing that it won’t lead anywhere. This socially isolated man is the one that she should have as a partner rather that that male who’s abit criminal who turns her on because he’s got a gob on him.Besides someone like that who’s abit criminal, it probably won’t last.
I have been thinking that the man who stalked me as a teen must have Asperger syndrome. I am so glad to have found this page because before now I have not been able to find any accounts of Aspies behaving in that way. So I was left to think that it was not common for Aspies to have obsessive, stalker-like behavior. In my experience it was like the author said, “They can be overly forward with a girl who is merely being kind, and then later face charges of stalking her.”
There is a type of stalker called the “Incompetent Suitor” which seems to be the category where you would find the Aspie who becomes obsessed with a love interest and then carries it too far. The Incompetent Suitor type is not considered to be dangerous but can nonetheless be alarming, especially if you don’t know what you are dealing with!
@EccentricSiren@xanga – Yah the restraining order thing, really does make sense for some. I have a good many friends with aspergers. And the one who romantically fell in love with me, is not allowed to know where I live, for fear of stalking. I don’t think that they mean harm, as much as boundaries blur a lot there. And infatuations are very strong naturally. I mean think about how asperger’s children tend to put their whole heart into one subject or one obsession.
Hmm this made me understand things a bit more. I have a man who seems completely obsessed with me, whom has a high functioning aspergers. I have PTSD and the “being overly sexual” he throws out there, makes me panic and exasperates my symptoms quite a bit. I am not good at using my voice. For me to say “PLEASE DON’T TOUCH ME AGAIN”. Would be really hard. However I’ve gradually had to learn that him, having aspergers doesn’t understand my non verbal cues that I may expect people to pick up on.
So while our illnesses clash in so many ways, they’ve challenged both of us to jump over obstacles we might otherwise not have endured. He used to just hug me, without permission. Not knowing boundaries. (along with begging me to date him, live with him, marry him and have sex with him). The other day I saw him and he asked me instead. I told him “no thank you”. I’m simply not comfortable hugging men yet. And he was fine with it. Of course there was a licensed therapist in the middle of us dealing this out… but it worked.
I guess it’s much like anyone dealing with their own sexuality, and how to deal with relationships, just on a different level. Most of the time anyone asks someone out, it goes absolutely nowhere. No big deal.
Then again, who really knows how another person feels, or what they’re going through.
I had a friend in college with Asperger’s, and the description you posted was just like him. He would become obsessed with certain women, not listen when they said they didn’t want him to contact them, and one almost took out a restraining order against him.
But this is something I’ve always wondered about. I’m (as far as I know) neurotypical, and I have a hard enough time with romantic relationships, and after having met a few people with Asperger’s and learning about what that meant, it made me wonder what romantic relationships must be like for them.
Christian Weston Chandler is one of the world’s leading authorities on this subject, you should check out his works sometime.
I once wrote a blog post on my Asperger sex life but my wife wouldn’t let me publish it, it never occurred to me that it was too graphic and too revealing nor that she would object to having her private moments all over the internet – pity, I enjoyed writing it
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My husband has aspergers and he was a virgin until we were married. He wasn’t much interested in girls in his early teens, then in his later teens, he tried to go out a few times with women and failed at a relationship with them for various different reasons (in one case, he didn’t know the woman’s sexual preference, and she hadn’t told him until they were in the movie theatre hahaha) –
I was also a virgin, and we are both working our sexuality out together. It’s quite interesting actually.
He’s alright mostly. 🙂