In the middle of a conversation, my friend mentioned to me that Madi had been on her mind. “Shes forgotten what its like to be a kid I guess” was pretty much the only thing she said about it.
And its true.
Hard to accept, but true in so many different ways…
I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about that, and worry about it.
Josh takes so much of the attention, and the light, and the focus, that often times when it comes down to it, I wonder if Im more worried about him growing up right, that I forget about that other two. Its a debating factor, something that sits on the scales with the other thoughts I have as I weigh the pros and cons of them.
I want them each to grow up, I want them all to have a childhood, I want them all to have good memories, and happy times of just being a kid…without having to worry or wonder…But like I said before, I cant give them everything I want. I want to give it all back to them, to Madi…to Dylan…to Josh…I want to give them back the innocence of being a kid, growing up in this century…without the worries of anything except when their friends were coming to play…
And yet I cant. I cant give it to them.
In so many ways, Madison is beyond me in her thinking. She knows more than I do about most subjects, she has grown up faster than she should have, and has taken on roles that she shouldn’t need to know about. She does things that I cant, that I dont understand, that I want to….but dont know how. In a way, I wonder if she understands more about life than I do. She has such a unique outlook on life, and death…and isnt put back by anything. Shes one of the strongest people I know, and shes only 13.
Its a hard pill to swallow. A thin line to walk. A tough road to balance. One that I try to walk carefully, but screw up on time and time again.
Someone told me once, that kids like Madison, usually end up pregnant at 15.
Kids like Dylan end up on drugs before 15.
And kids like Josh don’t have much of a future.
Which in that case…
Its been my main concern. My main worry. My ever present fear. That because of this choice that I have made, because of the series of events, because of everything that has happened….they have lost out on their childhood, they have been stripped of their innocence, and been handed a future that looks bleak to anyone who looks at them…
And I worry.
I worry that its too late. That if I were to take the appropriate steps now, to give them what I think they need, that it will be too late already. That if I give them, by some miracle, a new family…if I give them up, and give them to someone who might have the magic touch…that it will be too late. That they are already scarred.
That the scars will be with them forever, and while I know they are strong, smart kids…I cant help but wonder, and add yet another worry onto the pros and cons scale.