What if I don’t want to talk?

don't want to talk
Sometimes melt downs are sensory based. Sometimes they’re because something is done the Wrong Way instead of the Right Way. Sometimes they’re seemingly random.

And then there are the worst kind. These are the kind that build up all day over half a dozen little things. My favorite doctor is leaving the practice to a place I can’t follow her. I had 3 appointments and work all in one day. The therapist said it was fine if I used TTS but then essentially didn’t let me. I didn’t feel heard by the psychiatrist because she said I was doing well and I feel like I’m falling apart. Three cats were put down today at work, and we found out yesterday.

I got home and melted, big time. I even cried and melted somewhat at work when one of the to-be-euthanized cats didn’t want to eat but rather wanted me to pet and cuddle him. I went and held my favorite cats and made it through work, but got home and lost it. Picked a fight with Leigh (which I always do when I melt; I get upset about irrational things or things that don’t matter). Woke Mom up to stay with me. Didn’t want the kitty for a time.

Normally, I lose my words just before, during, and then after a melt down until I can sleep it off. But today, I woke up, and they were still gone. It’s fine to talk to Mom, although I’m definitely using fewer words than usual, but the chiropractor, library, and research study were all off-limits. No one wanted to let me type, either, which frustrated me immensely. At the study, Mom called to tell them I couldn’t talk today, then they wouldn’t let me type, but they continued to ask me questions expecting me to answer. I did my best, but I’m all stressed and upset having spoken when I didn’t want to. It’s not fair to make a girl talk.

I can’t help but feeling like this is a bit of a turning point in my speaking. I’ve never liked it, and over the past year and a half I’ve been doing it extremely reluctantly. I asked Mom, what if I just stop, and everyone has to deal? Yes, it would be hard for people, but you know, it might just have to be. I’m not going back to the hospital over stupid words, especially when I have another, perfectly acceptable, way to communicate. If people don’t want to hear me in the way I can talk, then I have nothing to say.

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Lydia
I'm 23. I love Jesus, my service cat, and my mom. I have usually-high-functioning autism, though it depends on the day. I'm trying to figure out how I can live the life I've dreamed of with autism in it.
Lydia

Lydia

I'm 23. I love Jesus, my service cat, and my mom. I have usually-high-functioning autism, though it depends on the day. I'm trying to figure out how I can live the life I've dreamed of with autism in it.

0 thoughts on “What if I don’t want to talk?

  • October 19, 2010 at 2:24 pm
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    Good reading!
    I can easily understand you, as I’m having it the same way sometimes.
    And it DOES get very annoying when people only want to speak, I mean, what’s wrong with typing?
    If I feel x100 times more like typing, then why shouldn’t I be allowed to?

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  • July 30, 2010 at 2:52 pm
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    I completely understand, and it makes me so upset that everybody is so against your way of communicating. I mean, you’re trying with typing, but it’s not acceptable to others and you’re being forced into talking. Typing it out is loads better than dead silence. I know that, I just wish other people could see that.

    Reply
  • July 25, 2010 at 3:04 pm
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    I lose words all the time… I have found that there are times when I just have to resort to my scripted responses and let it be at that. Yesterday was one of those days. I work at a CVS/Pharmacy. Most of the day I got away with just hanging sale tags and keeping my mouth shut. On the off chance I had to say something to a customer it was usually just to show them where something was… and instead of attempting to tell them, I’d just walk them to it. At the register it was “Hi, do you have a CVS card?” “Would you like one?” “Turn your card so the stripe is up and to the left.” “Press other than press cancel to exit that screen if you don’t want cash back.” All canned, scripted responses… no conversation. People would ask how I’m doing, my standard answer was, “I’m here.” Which, fortunately, usually gets a chuckle out of them.

    At home, when I lose words, I tend to resort to a few words here and there, mixed with a bit of ASL and sometimes I just really appreciate the fact that my husband can practically read my mind. I’ve found that this kind of thing happens the worst when I haven’t been sleeping well… or at all. When my rhythm gets thrown off, it takes a while for me to recover and get back on track… then I can talk your ear off again… usually still mixed with some rather animated ASL.

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  • July 25, 2010 at 12:53 am
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    I really hope that the people you work with at least come to accept your chosen methods of communication! There seems to be such a big prejudice about people who don’t like to talk. Do you have an iPhone or a blackberry? Seems to me like the perfect excuse to buy one otherwise…
    I wanted to tell you that your post is a message of hope for me. My 8 year old is learning to read and write. I’m really hoping that when he is more fluent with it we’ll be able to communicate more, in whatever way he chooses! Good luck with getting people to hear you out.

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