a little bit antsy (part two – the anty-climax)

this post is a special request from my kids. it involves ants. and. big daddy. so sit back and enjoy the ride…..

(i randomly laugh when i think of this story).

let me take you back a year or so. when. life was simpler (and we had a lot less kids). it all began a few weeks into big daddy’s great idea. his master plan. (often. big d decides that he has one too many chins. and. begins one kind of health kick or another). he had bought himself a brand spangly new bike. it was shiny. bright. polished. sheeny. it was his ticket to chin-less-ness.

plan: ride lustrous. 2 wheeled. un-chin-an-ator. to and from work each day. simple.

big daddy began his day as usual. rode his glassy mongoose to work. and. after a hard day was almost home. he was zooming along the road at speeds of up to 200 km/hr. he was weaving in and out of traffic. artfully dodging pedestrians. he was king of the road. or so he thought. when. it happened…..

apparently…..he was coming around the bend. traffic on all sides. before his eyes a car puts on the brakes. his life flashes before his eyes. big daddy slams his hand down on the brakes. and. he finds himself flying breathtakingly through the air at speeds of up to 250 km/hr. then. stupdenously gravel slides under two cars. does an extraordinary dodge roll away from a lady and her baby. and. comes to an astonishing halt on his wrist and fore arms……apparently.

my version is possibly closer to the truth…..he wasn’t looking. saw a car. hit the front brakes only. his back wheel continues over the front of the bike. he does one huge head-over-heels-over-front-of-bike fall. and. crunches his wrist. and. when he gets home (driven by a good samaritan) he retells his story. hoping for sympathy. caring. concern. and. his wife unashamedly laughs.

so. what has this got to do with ants. nothing……yet

big daddy is hurting. he has gravel rash from elbow to wrist. he takes himself off to bed. dejected. miserable. despondent. and he sleeps. as he sleeps. he dreams. not sweet dreams. but. a terrible nightmare. he is being eaten alive by ants. they are all over him. tearing chunks out of his flesh. it is terrifying. horrifying. unnerving. he is so startled that he wakes bolt upright in bed. and then. as i sip on my coffee in the lounge room. i hear a blood-curdling scream……

i run in. and. there is big daddy. jumping up and down on the bed hitting his gravel rash…..i start to feel alarmed. he runs past me to the shower……what is going on – i am wondering. he finally emerges from the shower. hyperventilating. and it is then i notice ant carcasses all over our bed….

whilst big daddy slept. the army of ants that had permanently set up home in our roof. had smelt the scent of a dying animal. and. invited the entire colony to picnic on big daddy.

and.

i’m afraid that after visualizing big daddy catapulting over the front of his bike. and. then dreaming he was being eaten alive by ants. whilst being eaten alive by ants. i could not help but laugh ….and laugh……and laugh.

so. the moral of the story is: chins are not so bad. ants are more dangerous than you think. and. if you are looking for sympathy – bypass your wife.